Why husbands lie

Sounds like you could use some encouragement, and I believe there is definitely hope for your marriage. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to connect with one of my coaches and see if coaching support might be just what you need right now. So I follow the skills presented and what? Wait it out for how long? Suppose the skills do not produce desired results? His actions are telling me he is remorseful and his attentiveness has significantly increased where he is constantly reassuring me we are rebuilding.

But then, I catch the lie. Or lies. Supposedly action is the key to measuring progress, oh yes, his new behaviors are wonderfully encouraging, Thank you Laura as I have been applying the skills learned from your book , but why is lying about the relationship still ongoing?

I am struggling daily with this anguish. Debra, That sounds incredibly painful and hard. Can you order from Amazon there? Maybe a bookstore can order it for you. Will these books work for wives of husbands whose work is closely related to porn and prostitution? Serenity, I can see why you would be worried that your situation is uniquely problematic.

Sounds like that must be pretty challenging to have your husband in that field! I can see why you might feel that way, anyway. There is every reason to be hopeful in your circumstance.

My husband and I got married July Once we came home he text his ex wife about someone that passed. They both knew the person 20 years ago. My husband seems to contact his ex wife now and then, then tells me she contacted him.

They have a 9 year old son that I also take care of when he is with us. My husband has lied also about running to go and help her, then tell his son not to tell me but he did. My husband tells me that he should be able to talk with her because they share a son which I completely understand although I share that son now too and everything discussed between them should not be lied about plus to me it feels like he uses his son as an excuse tp talk with her about anything he feels like.

His mother interacts with her a lot as well and tells her our business. Antoinette, I hear that you are hurting. I admire you for reaching out for support on how to deal with that painful dynamic. Your coming here shows that you must have some faith that things can change, and I know that they can!

You can have a marriage of mutual trust and respect, one where you feel heard. I have to be honest with myself that I will NEVER love my husband keeping information from me and it makes me not want to be with him. I can practice this stuff and life gets so much better for him, but then I hate him to be honest. I feel like a wild, bucking bronco even though I do what I am supposed to do. So suppressing all of this is going to probably make me sick in the long run.

I have read all of the books already. Dot, it must be frustrating to make such an effort and not have the connection it sounds like you want. I admire you for being so accountable and receptive to learning the Six Intimacy Skills.

I hear you—suppressing has never worked for me either! I love how the Intimacy Skills have empowered me to say what I want. You can fall in love with your husband again. My husband has been lying to me me about finances; bills, mortgage, etc for the past 3 years. The tax sale of our home was the first of many reality checks that only heightened my anxiety. This is the man who promised to love, honor, and cherish right? I assumed he would protect his family as well, but Im not so sure.

We recently claimed bankruptcy, after a false start by said husband, only to find he dropped the ball after hearing that our home was foreclosed and we should file chapter 7 instead of Finally, after 4 months suggestedI physically visiting the lawyer office, while communicating to my husband I would be doing so, and he agreed originally to meet me there.

When the time came, of course he was caught in traffic and it would have been impossible to meet with the attorney together because one of us would have to provide our chidren a ride home from school. I boldly decided to personally address the law office and was blindsided when they told me my husband did not provide the necessary documents after informing him that a chapter 13 would not be advisable considering that the forclosure had finalized.

We had an eviction notice at that point which he assured myself and our children was just a formality and that rhe bankruptcy chapter 13 was still a go. Luckily, I was made aware of the situation about a week before the next eviction notice arrived and we had filed for a chaoter 7 bankruptcy. We were able to file for chapter 7 which traditionally means your house is forfeited, but i found a solution after much research.

I left the ball in his court although he has burned me so many other times. I keep giving him ways to redeem himself and save our family. I have tried to shield them from the fallout of this familial dysfunction as much as possible. It must be so stressful, I can see why you broke down. Finances have been the scariest thing for me to relinquish control of. Thankfully, there are tools to help your husband take initiative and become successful with the finances.

Dot, I love that you turn here to vent and admire you for reaching out for support. Grr, I know how frustrating it is not to get that apology! I remember when I thought leaving was my only option. Thank goodness I found the 6 Intimacy Skills, which transformed my marriage into the playful and passionate one I have today. Now I have plenty of forgiveness and get lots of apologies too! Hi Laura, First, I love your posts! They are very helpful! We are lucky as women to have such gifts!!

What if my reaction s in the past has been one that goes against everything you say above especially — he was protecting me and I was not providing emotional safety, freedom? We have an excellent ability to talk through these types of issues, and come to an understanding, but I feel that even those types of conversations can drive a wedge between us i. Or is it something I should not verbally address, but instead wait for another opportunity to NOT respond negatively, and over time my actions or lack of action will speak louder?

Does that make sense? Thanks, Nicole! I hear that you feel uncertain how to proceed as you practice restoring respect. I love your sense of gratitude and empowerment as a surrendering woman!

Kudos on your willingness to apologize for past actions and change your behavior in the future too. I remember my uncertainty when I started surrendering. Getting support helped me learn how to use all 6 Intimacy Skills in conjunction with one another. Hi Laura, Thanks for the article! In all honesty, this is the first website I have seen that has realistic and useful information.

I caught my husband in a few lies very recently. One of these instances is where he lied about meeting up with another woman. This is great advice Laura!

If you do find out your husband about lying, do you ever agree to confronting him about it or let it go and work on yourself? RedRose, I love your openness to focusing on yourself. Great question! There are many ways to practice all 6 Intimacy Skills in this situation, so your question warrants a longer conversation than my brief post here.

It reads like how I should treat my teenager. We are talking about grown-up men here. My husband has lied about pornography, money issues, work issues, etc. With the pornography, he knew before we married that one of my biggest fears was living a life where my husband was secretly watching porn. He swore to me he would never let that happen. The lies and false information led me to make life choices that would have been severely altered if I had the truth.

He basically stole my freedom from me by lying. With work and money, he has led our family through chaos and turmoil because he pretends everything is fine, and convinced me it was okay to not work and to focus on the kids. Note that I am a very thorough and careful person, and can read people very well.

I feel like a fool. And once again, if I had known about his issues with work, I would have made different decisions about my working or not, which would have saved us from this situation.

He had me truly believing it was bad clients, or faulty payment systems that led to us not getting payments.

It was just him not completing his work. So while I appreciate the intent of this article, it reads to me on how to be a doormat and enable these man-children or women-children to continue choosing themselves over what is most important. I hear that this approach is not a fit for you. For me, giving my husband autonomy over his own choices, making the decision to trust him, and creating a culture of honesty and emotional safety in my marriage has not only given me an honest husband but greater intimacy with him.

Above all, I have felt empowered rather than being a doormat. I wish the same for you. You did deserve to know the truth—and still do. My husband is an enabler. His mother was a functioning alcoholic I was to allow her into our home and let her drink. When he would go to bed early and leave her with me and our small children, it never ended well. I finally put my foot down and said no more. She was OK to come but had to do it without her alcohol.

Now his two brothers are daily heavy pot smokers. One is a pediatrician and that bothers me more than you know. The second one smokes from the minute he gets up till bedtime. HOW do I manage with this man that enables, due to he does not want any conflict. He tells me his brother makes poor choices, the other the DR is very odd and mean…. My reaction to finding pot in my house recently was HUGE. I admire your vulnerability asking for help and your commitment to your marriage. The 6 Intimacy Skills gave me the tools to express my limits and my desires in a way that inspired him to please me.

I would love to empower you with tools to handle this conflict in a respectful way that honors your desires so you can restore the intimacy and safety in your home. But unfortunately I caught him in a lie last night. He was an addict for years and has been clean 4 years now and he came home late last night and I could tell he was high. He refused to tell me but I already knew.

Please help me with some advice …. Finding out he relapsed and lied about it would make me afraid too. I admire you for having the courage and vulnerability to reach out for support. Congratulations on the birth of your baby! I remember how hurt I felt when my husband would lie to me. Now he wants to open up to me, and I have the playful, passionate marriage I always wanted. I want you to have that safety in your marriage too so you can have the honeymoon you deserve!

I am with Jenny… My husband has relapsed twice during our marriage and it has caused MANY other problems as well… I stuck it out, doubled down, provided support and helped our family through. Through it but not unscathed… I have previously thought as you do, that I need to trust and cultivate honesty more through my own boundaries , but I gave him his space to make his choices and take care of what was needed.

I can allow my husband to make his own choices, but I will not allow him to avoid the consequences. I know I cannot completely empty myself because there is already nothing left.

I need to take care of myself to be the best mother to our children and I cannot travel down this road with him this time. Hi, I have been with my husband 22 years and we have 3 children. My husband has been lying since the beginning of our relationship about porn addiction, dating sites, looking up escort agencies, finances, and so many other things. He is a very secretive man and seems to cherish his privacy above everything else.

The relationship has been verbally abusive since the birth of my 1st child and the physical abuse has been escalating over the last 5 years. My husband seems to have a complete lack of empathy or compassion towards me. We went to counselling but the dynamics of our relationship barely improved. What would you suggest to a wife in this situation? I feel terribly deceived, manipulated and hurt beyond belief. If you or your children are not safe, that is a divorce I endorse.

If you choose to stay, I invite you to see how the 6 Intimacy Skills can transform your marriage. So sad for you and them. Beth, I totally agree that fears about being in these marriages are legitimate. I thought I knew what was best for such women too, which is why I had my own fear of coming out in favor of them being the experts on their own lives.

Being open to hearing the experience of other courageous women is another story, for me. My husband is a life long liar. We separated 2 years ago for several months for this reason. We recently returned from a great weekend away that reconnected us and left us giddy as when we were first dating, 20 years ago. Monday, I called him for a favor around 4pm and he pretended to be at work, literally acting out walking to his vehicle to check his personal phone for me and offering to stop working every so often to check it, saying he was finishing up soon and heading home.

The whole time, he was sitting at his friends smoking weed. When I found out, it was like being punched in the gut.

Worse, he offered no remorse. I hear him lie to people all the time. I have been working for the last year on giving him his space and his privacy, and I know I still have more growth in that area. Kimberly, ouch! I can see why you felt punched in the gut at being deceived yet again.

I felt so hopeless when I realized there was nothing I could do to change him. But the 6 Intimacy Skills gave me the tools to inspire him to want to please me and be his best self, and trust was restored. If I can do it, I know you can create an culture of mutual trust and respect so you can feel cherished, desired and adored too. I have such a problem with your advice. Again, this is NOT a justification for when he lies. It helps women to understand, forgive, and have grace for their husbands when they lie, when they understand the WHY behind it.

But our understanding of it is only part of the solution to this frequent issue that relationships often face. These reasons for men lying are not an excuse, and your spouse needs to take it upon themselves to do their part in mending the relationship and trust they have broken. But remember, you are only responsible for yourself.

We can only do our part, work on ourselves, and forgive. Forgiveness is not only important for healing in your marriage , but also for yourself. Forgiveness will free you from hurt, and help you move to the next steps of healing. Hillary Gruener is a wife, mother, writer, and musician.

If she's not at her desk writing content on family life, she's adventuring the world with her husband and two boys. Why do men feel the need to lie, when the truth is much less harmful in the end? And even though men know this about us, they still struggle with honesty. Trust your intuition, seek God, and never feel ashamed to ask for help. I would give anything to not learn the lesson I learned that day.

It not only hurt her, as she was questioning whether or not I was a safe person more about safety in another blog , but it also hurt me, because I knew that I did not have her faith anymore. One little white lie did all that damage in seconds. Just thinking about how easy it was to do so much damage scares me even now. Lying can be easy sometimes. Being aware of how it effects relationships and how it takes away what is dear to you, can help you make a correct decision.

I always teach people: Be aware of yourself ie, feelings, thoughts and actions. Know your WHY! Awareness breeds control. Awareness allows for a larger array of choices. Awareness allows for the individual to manage the problem instead of the problem managing the individual. My previous post talked about being intentional! Awareness allows an individual to be intentional when working to have a healthy and lasting marriage.

Honesty provides safety and trust in relationships. Would you rather be with someone who messes up, but is honest and genuine about it, or someone who does not want anyone to see them for who they really are? Check out my companion piece to this post: 5 Ways Honesty Improves Marriages. If you would like help with your relationship or help with this issue. Please contact me or schedule a session through my online portal. Unfortunately, if you live outside the state of Georgia, I cannot do counseling with you, unless you are able to meet in person at my office.

Check out my latest blog series about how to Improve your Marriage While in Quarantine. Some lies may seem harmless, and the occasional lie is probably inevitable especially in the case of white lies or lies of omission. But even little, infrequent lies can add up to distrust and other relationship problems.

If you suspect that your spouse is being dishonest, there are steps you can take to respond with compassion for both your partner and yourself. Some experts believe that the sooner the cards are all out on the table, and the sooner honesty is lived out once again in a partnership, the better. However, you may also consider waiting until you have discovered more information and facts before confronting your spouse with your suspicions. Only you know what is most comfortable for you and what is best for your specific situation.

Whether or not you forgive your partner for lying is a highly individual choice that may depend on their past pattern of behavior as well as how much harm was caused by the lie.

Similarly, only you can decide how much lying is acceptable in your relationship. Certainly, it is more difficult to forgive a spouse for infidelity than it is for lying about going to happy hour with coworkers.

Keep in mind, however, that holding a grudge can chip away at your well-being and relationship, so do your best to communicate your hurt and eventually accept the lie. Forgiving your spouse doesn't mean that you condone the lying or hurtful behavior. If you are struggling with problems caused by lying in a relationship, consider marriage counseling.

Even if your spouse won't go with you, talking to a marriage counselor can help you come to terms with the lying and help you let go and forgive so you can move on. It will take time and effort on the part of you and your spouse. Rebuilding trust and getting your relationship back on track often starts with being honest about the underlying cause of betrayal and committing to forgiving your partner.

It depends on why your spouse is lying. People who engage in emotional abuse often lie as a way to control and manipulate their partner. For example, lying is often a big part of gaslighting , which is a form of manipulation that occurs in abusive relationships. If the accusation is false, you may want to consider why your spouse suspects you of lying. Are they insecure in your relationship? Has your level of intimacy changed recently? Are they gaslighting you, or cheating themselves?